Where Do I Even Begin...

Fuck this shit (A personal rant) 

I'm not sure what I'm upset about, quite frankly I'm not even sure I'm upset let alone have a "good enough" reason to be upset with anything or anyone besides myself. 

I find myself wanting to do so many things but also nothing at the same time (relatable right?). It can be best described as a personal conflict of wanting to get ahead in life while I'm young but trying to make sure I am present in the current moment; I think this is the exact ideology that makes monks meditate? Maybe I'll become a monk. 

I want to prove my value but then I do not care to impress others or care for what they think of me. I am caught at constant crossroads of what I want to do on an everyday basis and can never seem to satisfy my personal desires because I don't even know what they are.

When I say I don't know my own desires that's not entirely true. I have the cliche ones of wanting great success, money and making my parents proud. It's more of a situation where "society" has deemed those generally desirable and I am not entirely sure what reasonable goals I can set for myself which actually interest me and are attainable. Not to mention the pressure of time and age tick tock tick tock. 

I don't want this to come across as depressing because let me be clear, I am not depressed. I actually believe I am more satisfied with myself than most people are these days, I like to I am a little lucky for that. Sure, do I overthink small things like most people do? Absolutely, I am a DEFCON level 1 overthinker. I do believe this "flaw" makes me a great people person, which sucks because as I've gotten older I have turned from an extrovert to an introvert (mood dependant). 

Just to clarify my potential anxiety issue, 

1. No I don't take anything for it and never will

2. Yes it seems like everyone has the same issue and my situation isn't special, never said it was. 

and

3. You would never know I am an overthinker (that may be cocky of me to say but it's true I swear).

That's the end of my rant.

Maybe I'll be back to write more about this mess I call my life, maybe I won't, but if you read this far thanks and let me know what you think. 

PrivatePastry